It is a melancholy subject to those who attend Sulphur High’s commencement ceremony and witness the wild festivities including beach balls, floating bubbles, bouncing rubber balls, and running mice, or hear the obnoxious air horns, loud organized cheers, and unexpected booing of the rambunctious crowd. The rowdy spectators consist of proud parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends of graduating students. Many crowd members, apparently there to applaud their specific graduate, evolve into self-centered fans who cheer so long and loud that the next several graduates’ names announced are completely unintelligible.
Most people would agree that this ceremony is no longer a ceremony but a sporting event; therefore, the proposition is that next year’s graduation embraces this sporting atmosphere. Tickets could be sold, eliminating the selfish desire to rope off thirty or more seats exclusively for an entire pep squad. Furthermore, the money generated could be used for the purchase of individual bottles of bubbles, confetti, balls to throw, and t-shirts to launch to bolster this momentous event. Concessions could be opened to provide the crowd with alcoholic beverages, thus providing an excuse for the obnoxious behavior. Instead of inspiring speeches from honored graduates, entertainment could be provided by cheerleaders and dancers. The band is already present, so they could easily play livelier tunes instead of the traditional “Pomp and Circumstance.” Graduates would not have to march slowly in procession but could run through a banner, thus eliminating some unnecessary, wasted time and allowing for more cheering time between name-calling. Instead of announcing scholarships, prizes could be awarded to those graduates with the loudest, longest, and most creative cheering squads. Similar to fair-weather fans who leave when their team is way ahead or behind, the cheering spectators could leave as soon as their graduate’s name is spoken.
The advantages of this proposal are many. Firstly, ticket sales would not only guarantee the presence of the most die-hard fans but also encourage them to dress appropriately, excluding bare feet, “Daisy Duke” shorts, and biker red-neck costumes. Secondly, small children and dogs could participate in graduation. Thirdly, teachers would not have to police each row of graduates, confiscating contraband. Fourthly, seniors would not have to purchase the costly cap and gown; thus, providing money for outlandish outfits to entertain the crowd and to show individuality. Fifthly, Sulphur High School would not have to waste money on flowers, programs, and site rental as the event could be held in the football stadium. Sixthly, Sulphur High School would not be responsible for teaching proper crowd etiquette, thereby giving teachers more time for test preparation. Lastly, Sulphur High School would become famous as a trend setter for the graduation event of the future.
Surely the citizens of Sulphur will embrace this new style of graduation since so many of them already are such “good sports.” No one would need to bother with any of the following outdated, traditional expectations: maintaining a formal decorum, listening politely to each name called, dressing appropriately for a serious occasion, leaving sporting paraphernalia at home, realizing that a group’s special graduate is simply one of many, keeping conversation to a minimum while providing positive feedback to speakers, standing and removing caps/hats during the pledge, National Anthem, Alma Mater, Invocation, and Benediction, staying until the ceremony is over, and applauding politely only at the end.
Obviously, this proposal is tongue-in-cheek and not to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, the crowd behavior at graduation has deteriorated so greatly that attention must be given to improve the situation. Students who have worked thirteen years deserve more respect than an air horn blowing or crowd booing while their name is called. People of Sulphur, it’s time to separate a sporting event from a graduation ceremony. It’s time to show graduates the respect they deserve. It’s time to prove to visitors that Sulphur is a class act.
Jane Swift
A concerned Sulphur parent
